


What Is And What Should Never Be

by Kauri510



Series: Ryder and Jenna [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Demon Deals, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Gen, Hell, Hurt Sam Winchester, Loss, Minor Ruby/Sam Winchester, Minor Violence, Multi, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Purgatory, Sam Winchester's Demonic Powers, Season/Series 04, Swearing, True Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-15
Updated: 2019-07-12
Packaged: 2020-03-05 20:26:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,489
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18836143
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kauri510/pseuds/Kauri510
Summary: Six years on her own, a now grown up and human Lilith Winchester knows about who and what she really is. If she had any say in it, the 'human' part of her won't be so 'human' forever.Little does she know, this will not only put herself and her family in danger, but everyone the Winchesters have ever saved.As for Ryder, a mother's love for her child can be expressed in many different ways. The question is: can Ryder save her daughter before it's too late?





	1. Chapter One: Part One

**Author's Note:**

> Damn, it's been so long since I made an author's note. This story is long overdue. I'm sorry it's been three years since I've last posted anything. 
> 
> I made a two-part story for the How Do You Love Someone universe, and if you haven't read it (that's okay), it was basically the second part to How Do You Love Someone. However, I didn't like it, so I deleted it and I'm going to combine the second and third part together.
> 
> It's been awhile since I posted anything and I'm a little rusty, so please bear with me.
> 
> Short chapter, but the story will be longer. I hope you enjoy!

Lilith Winchester kept looking in her rearview mirror as she sped down the highway. Earlier that day, she found herself facing two vampires... alone in an alley. She fought hard and it's been a while since she felt fear when hunting alone. She hated being alone, but she also didn't want to be around other people... even her family. She loved her family, but she needed this almost as much as she wanted to be home.

After killing both vampires, she heard a scream coming from the end of the alley. Lilith looked up to find the source and that's when she spotted a woman pointing at her while on the phone speaking to who she could only assume was the police. She rolled her eyes and cursed. Turning around, Lilith ran to her car that was in the opposite direction.

_Here I am trying to protect people like her risking my own life, and this is what I get? Ungrateful bitch!_

Forgetting the woman near the alley, Lilith focused on trying to locate the rest of the nest. A few hours later, she was standing in front of the dead bodies of the remaining vampires. She flicked her lighter and threw it at the bodies and watched as they all burned. She didn't care much about the rundown house the lit bodies were in. It was in a shitty part of the neighborhood, so why worry?

On her way out of town, she could see flashing red and blue lights behind her followed by the sirens. Shit! She didn't even question as to how they knew it was her. Having killed the vampires in a fucked up part of the city, that meant many convenience stores had cameras pointing everywhere so the police know who to keep an eye out for when a crime is committed.

Having lived with people like her parents, aunt, and uncle, she didn't need that long of a time to evade the police. It was too easy.

For quite some time, Lilith has been debating with herself as to whether she should return home, and each time she said no. When she turned seventeen, she had packed her bags and without telling anyone, she left. She didn't want to have to see the looks on her family's faces, because if she did she would've gone straight to her room and unpacked.

Family meant everything to a Winchester, but what she's learned on her own meant much more to her.

Lilith missed her family, but it was her mother Ryder who she missed more. Their relationship was nothing like her relationship with the others. She couldn't fully understand why her relationship with her mother felt different.

* * *

 

Six years without calling or seeing her family, Lilith found herself going home. In just a few hours, Lilith would not only return to her family but to also the negative emotions that never faded. At least not until she left. It was emotions that scared her. Every time she had thought about returning, she would always ask herself, ' _Why?'_

She knew that she left because she felt out of place. It was like being a stranger around people you know and who loves you. It was complicated to the point where it didn't make sense. She didn't have anyone to talk to about this... No, that wasn't true. Lilith did have someone, but she could never bring herself to dial the number.

However, despite knowing why, it didn't feel that that was the only reason. That was the part that made no sense to her. Lilith knew she wasn't the biological child of Sam and Ryder, but that had nothing to do it with it. The fact that Ryder took up the role of being her mother when she didn't have to tells her that biological child or not, Ryder was her mother and Sam was her father... nothing else mattered. No one else mattered.

* * *

During those years of being on her own, Lilith learned something that she knows will change everything around her. It was something her parents, aunt, and uncle tried to keep from her. It was the main reason, she decided to stay away... until now. She would know that her family wouldn't understand why this was so important to her, and if she was being honest with herself, she didn't care.

What she now knows explained why she felt what she felt. It explained away her intense hatred and anger that she's tried so hard to bury and ignore. It explained away the brutality she felt every time she killed a monster. It would be considered overkill. The more she learned, the more she kept questioning as to why she had to bury it at all.

The more she learned, the more the it frightened her. Even though it scared her, it somehow felt comfortable. She felt like she was apart of something bigger than what she already was.

"What's happening to me?" Lilith sighed.

* * *

 

A few hours later, Lilith was sitting in her car facing the entrance to the bunker. It's been three hours, and she still couldn't work up the courage to walk inside. It's been hard on her own all these years, and so many hunts went horribly wrong.

When she was eighteen, she remembered a case she was on where she was facing off with a ghost of some woman who killed herself... because of something. It was something stupid, but she couldn't remember what it was. It didn't matter, because that wasn't her field of expertise. Her job was to hunt the monster, kill it and leave before the authorities ever showed up.

_Five years ago:_

_It's only been a year since Lilith's been on her own and during all of that time, she had yet to complete a hunt without any casualties. It wasn't always the people who were being directly affected by whatever monster it was; sometimes it was just someone who was in the wrong place at the worst of times._

_Someone always died. Someone always had to die because of something someone else did. There were more innocents dying than those who actually deserved it. And the more innocents who died, the less Lilith cared. Why was it her responsibility to save everyone? As a hunter, her only job was to hunt and kill the monster. That's all! Nothing more and nothing less. If someone died than that was their fault._

Saving people. Hunting things. The family business.

_Lilith rolled her eyes and scoffed. What a fucking joke._

_She thought back to all the people who she couldn't (didn't want to?) save._ It's not my responsibility!

* * *

 

Now:

Lilith couldn't remember getting out of her car and walking to the bunker's door, yet here she was. She didn't know if anyone was in and a part of her hoped there wasn't. She took a deep breath and walked inside.

As she made her way down the stairs, memories of running around the bunker playing with her little brother and sister, arguing with her mom only to be let off the hook by her dad, learning how to fix cars with her uncle, reading almost every book the bunker had... so many came rushing back at her.

Now that she was back, the feeling of being a stranger came back as well. Lilith didn't hear anyone or anything else. Coming to the table in the library, she stopped. She could see something carved in the wood.

_DW_

_SW_

_RW_

_JW_

Lilith smiled fondly.

"You came back," a familiar voice from behind her said.

She closed her eyes and sighed. Almost immediately, she could feel butterflies in her stomach. When she turned around and opened her eyes, Lilith could see the one person who she has missed the most...

"Hi, Mom."

 

 


	2. Chapter Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy!

Twenty years ago, two women came to a world that for ten years was only real on screen.  _Supernatural_  was the best thing that had ever happened to them. It taught them the real meaning behind 'FAMILY'; that you don't have to be blood to be 'blood'. Family is there whether you want them to or not. They can be the most supportive and loving people that you could ever meet, but they can be the same people who could hurt you the most.

But if they can hurt you the most,

Ryder and Jenna Winchester could never regret staying when they were capable of finding a way home. Any serious  _Supernatural_  fan would drop everything if it meant being with the real Sam and Dean Winchester or at the very least meet them.

Ryder and Sam during the twenty years of being together happily had two children of their own. After having two kids, they both made sure that Lilith would never feel like she wasn't as loved.

Over the years, Ryder and Sam had noticed the change in her behavior. Before the change, Lilith was a happy little girl. She played with her cousins and younger siblings. She did what almost every child has done. Lilith went to school, did her homework, watched TV, threw tantrums. Everything. Not once during the years did they think there was something lingering that had to do with her past as the first and most feared demon.

No worries. None at all...

Until she began to change. She became more reserved and quiet. Ryder knows that she was trying to mask it by saying she was studying and learning more about the monsters of the world. She had said that the more she learned, the less she would need to research the signs of a monster when they were out hunting. If she knew everything, then it would decrease the chances of another innocent dying.

Ryder didn't believe that in the slightest, but she didn't say anything until she knew what was going on inside Lilith's head.

As a mother with more than one child, she couldn't focus all of her attention on Lilith. She had to treat them all the same. All of her children had different personalities, so she had to treat them differently, but still the same.

She didn't want to mention it to anyone, not even Sam, that she favored Lilith more. She felt like a bad mother, but there was a certain bond between the two that she had never felt she had with her other kids.

Jonathan Winchester was her second child. He was the serious type that although he loved his family and made sure they knew it, he still put their safety before his own. He was the only one that truly understood what that had meant.

Two years later, Ryder gave birth to Deanna. Her daughter, no matter her age, was very childlike. She watched cartoons even when she was in her teenage years. It wasn't cartoons like Spongebob, Courage, Family Guy, etc. No, it was educational cartoons that only small children would be entertained by. She decorated her room in all pink. However, her childlike behavior was only half of who she was. The other half knew how to kick ass; Ryder made sure of it.

Then came the day, Lilith left. She left her room cleaned of any sign that anyone ever lived it in. It broke Ryder's heart. She worried about her safety like any good mother. But like any good mother, she knew that this day would come. She knew that one day, her, Sam, Dean and Jenna would be the only ones living at the bunker. Which was why they made sure that if they ever chose not to hunt, they would still know how to take care of themselves from any monster including the human kind.

But... it didn't make it any easier.

* * *

Ryder had woken up from another nightmare. A nightmare that scared her, and when she told Sam about it, it scared him too. It was a nightmare that Ryder had around the time Lilith left. It was a nightmare that felt real.

Making her way to the kitchen, Ryder heard noise coming from the front entrance. She never thought that anyone would break in because no one else knew the location. She turned the corner to see a shadow of a female, assuming it was based on the physique. The woman was walking in the direction of the library.

She slowly walked toward the woman and stopped dead in her tracks. She was shocked to find Lilith in front of her. Lilith's back was facing away from her, and Ryder tried very hard not to just go up to her and hug her to death. She took a deep breath and smiled.

"You're back."

Lilith turned around and tried hard not to smile as big as she wanted. "Hi, Mom."

Before Ryder could say anything else, she found herself being hugged hard by Lilith. She wrapped her arms around her daughter and could feel tears stinging her eyes. She didn't know how long they were hugging, but then the lights came on. They looked in the direction of the light switch and saw Sam standing there.

Lilith had let go of her mother and ran to her father. She didn't know how much she missed her father until she saw him standing in front of her.

"I missed you, Daddy."

"I missed you too, Lilybug," Sam said quietly. Ever since Lily had left, he tried so hard to comfort and distract Ryder's worries over their daughter. He knew she was hurting so much, but now that Lilith was home, he prayed Ryder would pain would dissipate.

He looked at Ryder as he hugged Lilith and could see, by the look in her eyes, that so many emotions and thoughts were running through her mind. Sam had a feeling that she was thinking about the nightmare she's been having during these past six years.

What does it mean?

* * *

It's been almost a week since Lilith's been home. During that time, she's seen how happy everyone was to see her home. It made her feel happy and wanted despite that feeling. She shook her head. She didn't want to think about that feeling; for the time being, she wanted to just feel like she belonged here as much everyone else.

Although her family was glad to see her home, she couldn't say everyone felt the same. The only person that didn't express happiness at her return was her younger sister.

When Deanna was born, Lilith was so thrilled at the thought of having a little sister. She loved Jonathan, but obviously, since he was a boy, she couldn't exactly do things that she could only do with a sister. Things such as makeup and boys. She could remember that her relationship with Deanna was almost like the kind her father and uncle had.

But it all changed when the day Lilith went to pick up Deanna from school. She was late coming out, and it gave Lilith a bad feeling. She had gotten out of the car to go look when she heard a group of kids yelling and swearing left and right. She didn't know why, but she made her way over and it was at the moment that she saw a familiar head of bright red hair.

Lilith pushed her way through the crowd and saw her sister underneath another girl. She was by no means small. It astounded her that this fight has not been stopped and nor did she see any teachers around. Seeing her younger sister getting beaten by some hoodrat, Lilith instantly saw red. She's read that phrase in books, but by no means did she think she would literally see red. She grabbed the bitch's hair and yanked her to her feet.

Before she grabbed the girl, she could hear nothing but stupid kids screaming and encouraging the fight. Now that girl was in her grasp, Lilith heard nothing. No kids, cars driving by, birds... nothing. She brought the girl's head close to her so she could whisper a very serious threat that she wanted no one else to hear but her.

"If you or any of your friends ever touch my sister again, I'll gut you like the fucking pig you are, Carly." She didn't have to see the girl's face to know she was scared at the thought of her knowing her name. She tightened her grip on the girl's hair and pushed her to the ground... hard.

Lilith couldn't remember what happened after that. The anger and hatred she felt, after a few hours, didn't fade. Why? All she does remember is the fact that she was arrested for the assault of a minor. She spent only one week in the county jail. Ryder and Sam were able to pull some strings to avoid any jail time, but it was only reduced to one week.

Ryder and Sam knew the chief of police after saving him from his dead wife several years back. Because of the fact that he knew what they did and (without letting Lilith know) who Lilith was. Who she was didn't explain her actions, at least they didn't think it did. However, since this wasn't the first time Lilith has gotten into legal trouble, they were able to use that defense.

How much longer it would work... God only knows.

When Lilith was released, Deanna hardly spoke to her. Lilith saw that although Deanna tried to hide it, the fear the young girl felt was obvious every time Lilith looked at her. She wanted to help her sister because that's what a good older sister did. They watch out for their young siblings. She loved Deanna and cared for her safety, but all she did was make her sister afraid of her.

If she had to choose, she would give anything for her sister to hate her rather than fear her. Being hated wasn't something new to Lilith, but being feared... being feared by someone who at one point looked up to her and loved her...

being feared...

being feared...

being feared...


	3. Chapter Three

It's been about two weeks since Lilith had returned home. Ryder and Sam both expressed in their own way as to how much they missed her. However, despite their obvious happiness at their daughter's return, they could see that something was different. Something that was alien yet familiar.

Sam was sitting in the library with his firstborn son Johnathan. Over the years, Sam had found himself and even Dean going on less and few hunts. He didn't hide the reason he was declining invites to hunt... It was because he was well, getting old. True his father and Bobby were older than he was now and still hunted, and he admired them for that. However, after all the damage he had endured all these years, his body couldn't handle it.

Dean on the other hand, when asked, will say that there were other hunters and it will be taken care of. but Sam knew his brother more than anyone and it wasn't hard to see that Dean acknowledged that he felt the same way.

Being a father to three children who came before anyone else, and that 'anyone' meant Ryder as well. He loved his wife, but he knew Ryder would put their kids before he too. That was how it was supposed to be. It's how it should always be.

When the day came that he, Dean, Ryder, and Jenna were one breath away from meeting Death, the world will still be in good hands.

If you had asked him on the night he left Dean and their father to go to college that he would raise his kids to be hunters, he would have knocked them on their ass. Now, he can't say he would change anything. If they chose not to be a hunter or a Men of Letters, then so be it. At least they would know that the world was not all lollipops and candy canes.

Their whole lives full of loss and heartache was nothing compared to their lives full of love and family. What could possibly go wrong?

* * *

Dean Winchester was a happily married man with a beautiful wife. Before Jenna came popping out of nowhere and lifting him up out of his grave, Sam was his life and still is. His mother died followed by his father, and finally, Sam. Holding Sam in his arms as he died...

The memories of what he had endured and the pain he inflicted upon other lost souls wasn't something that scared him or caused nightmares. It was just an experience that he wouldn't want to have ever happened, but it did. He couldn't change it, nor did he want to. If he didn't go to hell, there would be a chance that Jenna and Ryder never would've come.

He didn't think that being married and having children would ever be an option, yet here he was... with his beautiful children, nieces, and nephews.

His eldest son Samuel was so much like him, Dean would think he was looking into a mirror. He loved researching and reading, and he was incredibly smart. Despite being a bookworm, Samuel had fighting skills that could even match his own. Dean could go so far as to say that in a fight, he had no doubt Samuel would win. To have your child surpass you and be a better person than their parent, well... How much more pride can he feel?

* * *

One morning, Lilith found herself in the library pulling out book after book. She didn't know how long she was there, but it didn't matter. What she wanted from all of these books was more important. Lilith had to do this and it would have to be soon. Because of the deadline she had given herself and how badly she needed this to work, she couldn't afford to screw up.

Lilith tried very hard to keep what she was doing hidden from the rest of her family. She didn't want to have to explain what she was doing, or what she was going to do because they would do everything they could to stop her. She didn't spend all that time trying to fix what was changed without her permission just to be stopped now. She loved her family, but this was more important. Once this was all done and she explained why she believed they would understand... They had to.

Being so immersed in her reading, she didn't hear someone getting closer to her not until it was too late. She went to turn around to collect all her books from the table, she saw her cousin Samuel standing there. She closed the book fairly hard.

Growing up, Samuel and Lilith developed a strange relationship {if you could call it a 'relationship' anyway}. They didn't like to be around each other, but when they did, it wasn't that big of a deal. There was no hatred between them, but there was also no hint of love or affection.

Samuel knew what book she had and Lilith knew that. Samuel was the only one besides her dad who has read every book the bunker had. He read every book more than once, so he didn't need to read the title to knew which book it was. The front and back cover was all he needed to identify the book.

"Interesting choice of books," Samuel said pointing at the book in her hands. "You do know those books are basically useless nowadays." It wasn't a question.

Lilith smirked while grabbing the other books she was going to take to her room. Lilith walked around him making it very clear that she didn't care about anything he had to say. "Useless how?"

Samuel said regardless, "Useless because there are no demons of any type on earth anymore. There would be no demons hunters would have to fight or exercise."

Lilith rolled her eyes, "Then, why did you read them over and over if they're all useless?"

Samuel shrugged his shoulders, "Because I'm not the one who has any type of history with them."

Lilith could 'hear' what he truly meant behind what he simply stated aloud. It was that that made her stop dead in her tracks. Before she turned back to look at him, she made sure that any sign of worry was gone from her face.

"If you want to say something then say it."

Samuel turned his attention to one of the books on demons that Lilith forgot to put back. It was useless and wasn't going to help her in the way that she wanted. Lilith wanted to just walk out and quickly return to her room, but it would look more suspicious; like she was hiding something. Granted she  _was_  hiding her plans, but she didn't want them to know about it.

Still looking at the book he picked up, he slowly made his way to set the book back where it was supposed to be. Without looking at her, "If something was out there trying to change the fact that that there are no demons, well," Samuel slowly placed the book back and turned to look her in the eyes, "I'm a hunter for a reason."

"Something?" Lilith asked knowing what he was doing.

Samuel shrugged and walked passed her. Lilith made no move waiting if he would say anything else. She didn't have to wait long.

"Or someone..." His words triggered something within her.

Regardless if Samuel suspected what she was doing, Lilith knew it was only a matter of time before he would share his suspicions to either Dean or her father. Despite their belief in the importance of 'family'...

* * *

Lilith was in her room going through all the books she had collected over the years. She needed to make sure that no matter what happened, her plan could not fail. She did so much shit to get the information she had, and not everything she did was good. In fact, some people got hurt, but she kept telling herself that yes her actions were wrong, but it was all for a good reason. When everything worked out, Lilith would come back and right every wrong she committed.

The book she held in her hands was not easy to get. It was a book that she had to kill for. During her search for the books she now possessed, she learned the whereabouts of the most important one. Her search led her to a werewolf. After fighting the monster, Lilith offered a deal: She wouldn't kill him if he gave her the book. The werewolf accepted with one condition.

He needed the heart of a special person who lived only a mile away. She didn't question why he didn't get this person himself, or what was so special about this person. She didn't care.

Lilith learned that this 'special person' was a seven-year-old girl. Putting aside her guilt and shame, Lilith broke in. She hated thinking about what she did because if her family ever found out what that family was put through, the excuse of being family wouldn't be enough.

Shaking her thoughts away, she rose to her feet and after drawing a pentagram on the floor, Lilith placed ten candles. Five candles on each point of the star with another five in between. Once she was done, she sat down on the floor.

Just before she lit the last candle, doubt and guilt came flooding in. She frowned. She had time to stop. Lilith could not light the last candle and leave. She could go down to the kitchen where she knew her parents were and tell them everything. She could tell them why she wanted to do this. She could tell them that she knew that, once upon a time, she was a demon.; the first demon. She could tell them that she knew she had tried to kill Sam and allowed hellhounds to kill Dean and taken to hell. She could tell them that she left because she's been wanting to get that power back. She could tell them that she killed innocent people to get what she needed. She could tell them she tortured an eight-year-old child because a werewolf wanted her heart for reasons she never learned nor cared for. She could tell them that despite her actions, she was so sorry.

She was only a couple of inches away from lighting the last candle. Once she lit this candle all of her hard work wouldn't be for nothing. Lilith could go to Sam and Ryder and tell them that becoming human was supposed to be her choice. She could tell them that they had no right to make a life-changing decision without asking her. She could tell them that after killing the little child for her heart, she killed... no... mutilated her mother. She could tell them that she killed the little girl's two brothers simply because she wanted to. She could tell them that when this works, hell would never be able to close... Never.

Lilith smirked and put the lit match to the final wick. Let's do this!

* * *

Sam was finishing up with the mess he and Ryder made when making dinner. He looked at Ryder who was setting up the table. It's funny... When they first came to the bunker, that table was small. There was only enough room for four people. Over the years, the more children that were born and old enough to sit at the table, the bigger the table had to be. It was simple and insignificant, yet it made him smile.

Dean and Jenna came into the kitchen with bags of groceries and set them on the table. Ryder looked at their bags and rolled her eyes and scoffed.

"Leave the bunker with a shopping list that only consisted of things for pies, and you return with eight shopping bags."

Jenna laughed. "Says the woman who went shopping last month with the intent of buying a few day's worths of food for dinner, and came back asking for help to retrieve $400 worth of food from the car."

Ryder opened her mouth to protest but rolled her eyes instead. They act like people, in general, don't do that. You go to the grocery store with only needing to buy a few things, and you come out with a dozen bags. A few times, Ryder found herself coming out of the store with everything she needed but what she came for.

As Dean began to make the pies, Jenna put all the of the food away. Twenty years and Ryder still thought about the fact they were where most Supernatural fans wished they were. Twenty years of happiness and she could say with confidence that nothing was going to ruin this for them. They all deserved this.

Ryder was pulled out of her thoughts when she saw all their kids walking into the kitchen. Regardless of all of the kids were adults, they always ate first. One by one, each of their kids sat down at the table but made no move to eat. For quite some time, none of the kids ever ate until they all sat down together. It made her happy at how good they raised them.

Talks of school, books, a new boyfriend, college, and even a road trip filled the kitchen. Ryder was busy making sure everyone got as much food as they wanted. Ryder was the last one standing near all of the food they made when Ryder counted each head at the table coming up one head short.

"Where's Lily?" Ryder asked. No one heard her still busy having their own conversations. She cleared her throat, "Hey!" Silence. "Where's Lily?"

Deanna put down her drink. "She's still in her room. I think she's taking a nap."

Besides Sam, everyone went back to their food and conversations. Ryder set her empty plate on the counter and stared at the empty doorway.

Sam stood up and went up to Ryder, "What's wrong? She's probably tired."

Ryder shook her head but had no intention to respond with words.

Before Ryder and Sam took a step in the direction of the doorway, for a split second, she could swear all noise was muted. She couldn't hear anything but the ringing in her ears.

In the movies, special effects and sound design could create the most realistic scene. The movies, or at least the ones she's seen, explosions looked like they happened slowly.

However, this wasn't a movie. There were no special effects, no green screen, no wires, nothing. Ryder didn't know how long it took, but all she could register in those few seconds was the sound. It was like a loud and deep  _boom_. Before it went dark, Ryder and Sam could see parts of the walls coming straight at them.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you liked it. Until next time - Kauri510


End file.
